It’s starting to get to me. I’m starting to realise that I have lost all of my close friends. I’m never myself in front of my few friends longer, I just think the real me is a total loser. It’s the second week of summer now and I’m starting to feel really lost and alone. The thought of suicide has entered my mind a couple of times, but I know better. Suicide is a permament answer to a temporary question, right? But the thing is that I have seven more weeks of being for myself, and the more I am alone – the more time I have to think about how lonely I am.
Seeing everyone else posting pictures together and having a blast just makes it worse, obviously. No one has tried to reach for me the past couple of weeks and it seriously breaks my heart to pieces. How come nobody think “Wow, I haven’t talked to her in a while.. I should give her a call”? They don’t know how much it actually means to me when I get invited to things or when they simply just ask how I am. They have no idea.
Summer has finally come to a beginning! It started on thursday, but I’ve been pretty much just laying around for the past couple of days, so there’s really nothing special happening. I live in the “main” city (capital), but there’s literally nothing happening. I’m ready to start my vacation, disappear on my friends “radar” and do a lot of crazy things. I want to do something that really makes everyone wonder what the hell I’ve been up to this summer, but I’ll keep it to myself. I want to use the summer to find out who I really am and what I enjoy doing. Thinking about this, I’ve found out that I’m going to make a bucket list for the summer – and I’m going to complete each and every one of my list of things to do. I am aware that I don’t have a whole bunch of readers on my blog, but I would love for the couple of you actually reading this to help me with ideas for my to do list 🙂
I’m going to add more whenever I think of it, but here’s the start:
[ ] Go Skydiving.
[ ] Have a summer love.
[ ] Go to a party in the middle of the night.
[ ] Meet new people and keep contact throughout the summer.
[ ] Take a photo of myself looking like a real tumblr girl.
This was all I thought of right now, and as I said before – I would really appreciate any kind of suggestions 🙂
As I mentioned earlier, I was confronted by some of my friends on friday. They told me they knew about my lies and said they’d give me a second chance, which I really appreciate. The thing is that I had so much to say to them, but I just didn’t have the guts to. I wanted to say that the reason I lied was because I felt left out, and whenever I told a lie – I got their attention. I wanted to tell them how much I’m struggling to be “one of them” every damn day. I wish they knew.
I woke up with a weird feeling today. Maybe they would still look at me as a liar? Or maybe they’re still holding grudges? To be honest, I was a little sceptical to how the day would go. I had a stressful morning today, and arrived at my school a little late. Standing in the door well to my classroom, looking out at everyone in my class, gave me some kind of realisation. I must be overreacting.. How could someone hold a grudge about something that happened on a friday? They have surely forgotten about it during the weekend, and meeting them today wouldn’t be a problem at all. I was right, partly. I sat beside one of the girls that I had a talk with on friday, and we talked and stuff – but it was still kind of weird.
Today, I found out that I wish I didn’t give a shit. I wish I didn’t care about what people thought of me. I wish I didn’t feel the pressure to wear the “in” clothes. I wish I would be able to show of my real personality, and not be afraid of people seeing me with the people I can do that with. But the thing is, I care. I care what people think of me, I care about my clothes and of some weird fucking reason, excuse my language, I care about who people see me with. I’m one of those persons who would rather choose a hot guy with the worst personality, rather than the not-so-hot one with the amazing personality. I’m depending way too much on what other people think, and that’s one of my goals for the summer.
I’m going to try to become a whatever person when it comes to other peoples meanings about me.
I don’t know why I do it.. I’m an athletic person and I play soccer regularly. I know how awful it is for you lungs, but it gives me this relaxing and dizzy feeling – which was much needed now. While my friends are out partying without me (I wasn’t really invited), I decided to take a smoke before going to bed. It’s so bad for me, and I hate that I’m doing it.
My first smoke was when I was half-drunk a couple of months ago… Everyone else was doing it and I felt the pressure to do it as well. Since them, I’ve done it every time I’ve been out in the weekends. I’m not addicted at all – I haven’t smoked in long periods of times and I’m never craving for it. When I smoke, I smoke the superslim kind and everyone says they have less tobacco or whatever. The reason I did it today was because I got confronted on friday by some classmates about some drama we have been through, and I haven’t done anything today. I’ve just been sitting around watching orange is the new black and hanging with my family. I’m in a group chat with “the popular” girls and they were planning where they were going tonight. They kept on talking about it, but no one called me to ask if I was coming or not. Usually, I just “randomly” bump into them and join them to the place they’re going – but this time I didn’t even bother to do that. Instead, I stayed at home and waited for my family to go to bed – then I took a much needed saturday smoke so I wouldn’t feel that left behind or alone that I was earlier.
I feel kind of sick now, and I’m heading to bed.